I am not a big fan of the "As Seen on TV" products. I survived a time when my family was kind of obsessed with ordering infomercial products. we have a basement full of crappy, once-used-then-forgotten products like that pot that boils and strains, the electric bag resealer (which by the way, almost set the bag on fire), to name a few. Even today, my parents still occasionally fall for gizmos like the Swivel Sweeper and I know my mother is still contemplating the Magic Bullet (because we don't already have a blender or anything). Mostly I just ignore these products because, besides the sometimes hilarious infomercials, they are bogus. I mean come on, 8 shamWOWs for $20?? And I'll never need to buy paper towels again?! Sign me up! I can see through the facade that buying AquaGlobes means you'll never have to water your plants again. And then there was the Snuggie.
When I first saw a commercial for the Snuggie my initial reaction was giggling insanely at the priest-like robe that the actors were wrapped up in. Still shot ads of people wrapped in Snuggies during sporting events also proved completely ridiculous. Then, the other night I was sitting on the couch reading a book when suddenly I got cold. So I threw a blanket over my legs and continued reading. But then my upper half was still cold, so I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders like a shawl and continued reading. But then my legs were cold. Even if I had two blankets, one for my shoulders and one for my legs, I would have still have cold, blanketless arms as they would be busy holding up the book. Unless I had a Snuggie!
As far as stupid inventions go, the Snuggie isn't all that bad. In fact, I think the worst part about it is the name. Sure wearing one causes you to resemble a monk, but guess who just found her last-minute Halloween costume for this year? But unlike so many of its fellow "As Seen on TV" counterparts, the Snuggie doesn't claim to slice, chop, dice, or mop the way so many of those other products flash in front of your face. The Snuggie just wants to keep you warm. Plus, it comes with a FREE booklight, which only makes me want to buy one even more. I mean come on, its slogan is "The blanket that has sleeves!" How can you argue with that? I don't think you can. I think I want a Snuggie.
If you've ever been dumped, you likely know how hard it is sometimes to just get through the day. Days when anything from a song to a piece of clothing to a smell reminds you of the person you've been trying to so hard to erase from your mind. Or at the very least, get to a point where they're not all you think about all day, all the time. If you're having some trouble getting to that point, "Dumped!: Fun & Games Activity Book Featuring Word Scrambles, Connect-the-Dots & in-depth Psychiatric Analysis for the Unexpectedly Single" is the perfect book for you.
Despite the absurdly long title, this book is guaranteed to bring a smile to your face. Designed much like a kid's activity book with fill-ins and word searches about getting dumped, the book is sure tp keep you as entertained as any of those kiddie books. But don't be fooled, the language and subject matter (like the page that asks you to list how many words you can form out of the word COCKSUCKER) is for grown-ups only.
"Dumped" splits its time between Samantha and Sam, two poor souls down in the dumps (lazy pun intended). Author Josh Lewis takes Samantha and Sam on a journey through the stages of being dumped and uses sometimes silly interactive games and activities that are sure to at least bring a smile to your face, if not cause you to actually -gasp!- laugh out loud. Pages include the "Pissed of Word Search" that has you searching for words like "scumbucket" and "hosebag." Sure it's a little silly and some of the activities are a little far-fetched and impossible to solve, but they will make you laugh. And in times of despair, of seemingly unfailing heartbreak and pain, any laugh you can get is priceless. Whenever you regress to the point of tears or you start wallowing in the what ifs, pull out this book and do a page or two. Not only will you laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of it, but you might actually realize a thing or two about yourself and your relationship in the process. And though laughter may be the best medicine, closure is a close second.
"Dumped..." was written by Josh Lewis and can be purchased here.
*blogger's note: Going through some old favorites, I came across a short-lived blog I started and stopped 2 years ago. This entry was written on August 9, 2007. Though some circumstances have since changed, I still think it rings eerily true in many respects. *
The Past Reflecting on the past isn‘t always easy, but it is certainly necessary. Although there are plenty of moments in life that you think you’re better off forgetting, it might help to better understand them. Time and perspective often aid in making sense of moments in time, emotional places, and past experiences in general. Of course, in doing so you inevitably come across a tricky word: regret. I have mixed emotions about this word because, like everyone else, I have regrets. I'd be lying if I said if I could go back in time, I wouldn't change anything about my life, my actions, or their outcomes. At the same time, I feel strongly that those actions led me to where I am today and I'm not a big believer in destiny. I'm not sure there's some book written in the stars that has my life planned out and I'm just the main character, willed by the pen of some unknown God. But I do believe that everything in life happens for a reason and that the choices you make of your own free will lead you in one direction or another. What you learn from the life of your past is up to you.
The actions of my "youth" were severely misguided, and it was mostly my own fault. That’s not to say I was a bad kid: I stayed in school, never partied, never gave my parents more trouble than I was worth, in my opinion anyway. I just did everything later than most kids my age: from driving to getting a job to dating. I sheltered myself from the experiences of skate parties and sleepovers, unknowingly stunting my own growth. Looking back, I wish I had gathered more experience early on so that maybe things would have been different. But I can't-- I won't-- spend my life now fretting over "what ifs." I'd like to think I did the best I could with what I knew at the time and there's nothing I can say or do that can change any of it now: it's part of my history. It's been written and recorded, there are no words or monumental revelations that can alter any of its outcomes. Yes I have regrets, yes I wish some memories would bury themselves in the darkest corners of my mind never to be remembered again; but that's impossible. All those moments, from the silly little ones to the ones of epic nature have lead me to...
The Present. I'd like to think I currently have a pretty good hold on my life. While it's far from perfect, I've found a balance my past sometimes lacked. Most of that is of my own doing and I have no problem giving myself credit for it. While I now surround myself with understanding and inspiring people, when it came down to it, only I could make the changes necessary to get me where I am today. When I first became an ‘adult’, I spent a lot of time defining myself by the terms of others. What angers me the most about this is realizing that I let it go on for so long, struggling each day with the identity I knew I owned but couldn't claim and the one I left others to place upon me and fulfilled gladly because it wasn‘t as much work.
And then there came a moment, more than a year ago, that I simply couldn't do it anymore. I was barreling full-steam ahead to a repressive, unhappy life where every day was the same and nothing would ever change that because I refused to anything about it. It took me a LONG time to realize that I am my own worst enemy. I think--no, I know-- that I hurt a few people when I finally decided to define myself by my own terms and my own dreams. I’m not really proud of that but it was a choice I had to make. I could either sacrifice my own happiness or someone else’s; selfishly and rightly I chose someone else‘s. I shed my skin in 2006 and it was one of the most gratifying and clarifying periods of my life. For the first time in a long time I looked at my life, really LOOKED at it and decided where I wanted it to go. It happened to coincide with where a lot of people hoped it would: out of a dead-end relationship, back to college in hopes for a better life. What became so satisfying to me was that I didn't do it for them, I did it for ME. I've reconciled the past with myself, and, though it may still hang in the balance with others, I try not carry it with me in the present because I've worked too hard on myself to move forward with the shadow of my mistakes hanging overhead. I have my good days and bad, like anyone else, but I am happy. And that's all I can hope to carry with me to...
The Future. If I were psychic I could tell you what the future holds for me. But I'm not, otherwise I'm pretty sure I'd be a millionaire by now. Or at least have my own psychic hotline number. I may not know what the future will bring, but I can finally envision what I would like it to include. There's no longer a dark, billowy fog where my future stands. I don’t have all the answers, but I can see far enough ahead to hope that it'll include working somehow with words and sentences, which I craft with real joy. I would love to maybe help bring that joy to others, but who knows? I only know that I understand words and the importance of reading. It seems so silly and simple, but so much can be learned from the pages of a good book. It saddens me that in today’s world, good literature is a dying art; I’d love to help prevent that.
As far as the rest of my life is concerned I think I've stumbled onto the dream of domesticity. Along with a successful career doing a blank to be filled in later, I'd like to have all the trimmings of a home life: a home (not a house), a husband, a family. At one time in my life I scoffed at the idea. While other girls were drawing pictures of their future wedding dresses, I was dreaming of traveling the world in search of the next big story, with no familial ties to hold me back. The idea of settling down never appealed to me as a young girl. Damn convention and my supposed purpose in this world as a woman: I wasn't going to let what I was "supposed to do " confine me. There I was again, defining myself by defiance without stopping to consider what I actually wanted. Today, a home life is all I see, it's what I crave. It's not something I'm looking to do at this very second, but I certainly hope its in my near to mid-distant future. I've found someone who I love with everything I am and have ever been: it feels like desire not to repeat the mistakes of my past led me to him. This person has all the makings of a bright and limitless future and I would be honored to be a part of it. Sometimes I question the how and why, but somehow we just fit. Still, I can't know what tomorrow will bring. I can only live every day one day at a time, with the hope that I'm working toward something more, better and bigger than what I have now, but understand that it’s going to take time, energy, and a lot of hard work to get there.
One thing I've learned about these stages of life and time is that they are all connected. You can‘t live in the present without connecting moments to your past that helped you get there. You can’t look to your future without carefully examining the present in hopes of making the right decisions. All of these things are deeply rooted together and bind your life in a way that’s both undeniable and inescapable. Sometimes these moments will tangle you up and keep you from progressing, but they cannot be ignored or discarded. Every moment of my life thus far has meant something. I'm sure I've yet to fully understand the bulk of them, but I have faith that in time, I will. I can't think of the present without gathering experiences from my past to help determine a safe bet for the future. They intertwine and overlap in surprising ways sometimes but they are all there for a reason. Take back nothing of your life, no matter how painful or embarrassing. I believe that I have been made stronger by all of my experiences: the faults of my past, the serenity of my present, and the endless possibility of my future.
(I was supposed to post this last week, but I kind of forgot about it...)
So in case you haven't heard yet...we have a new president. Like everyone else, I was wrapped in the excitement of such a momentous occasion in history. It was a truly special thing to witness, even if only from my kitchen TV.
You see, I celebrate holidays and special occasions with my favorite thing: cupcakes. Of course, Inaugural cupcakes took on a rather patriotic theme:
festive liners.
In the midst of the baking and watching the endless media coverage, I started to think about what the day truly meant. Up until last week, most of the "Where were you when...?" moments I've lived through have been tragedies (9/11 and Columbine, to name a few). But this moment, this moment is the exact opposite of all the tragedy this country has seen and everything that has made others looks to unfavorably upon us.
batter made with love.
While this occasion does not by any means erase all of those other moments, it is a true step in the right direction. And like the rest of America, I feel for the first time in a long time, that change is possible. It won't be easy, and I hope people will give President Obama time. It's only been a week and change does not and cannot happen overnight. It took eight years to get into the mess we currently find ourselves, who knows how long it will take us to get out of it?
time to get baking.
It's an exciting time in the country, in the world, and an exciting time for me as well. I'm not in the same place I was last year. Since recent events have turned my world and my future upside down, I completely forgot to celebrate. I graduated from college. I will have my diploma in hand in a month. That is an amazing accomplishment, and I have not spent enough time being proud of myself for having seen it through.
can you smell them from where you are?
So, despite everything else that's been going on lately, I use this particular blog to celebrate the new stage in my life, and the new stage in the life of America and all the possibilities of the future. I will do great things, the people of this country will do great things. And that, my friend's is something to look forward to.
the best frosting ever.
And, despite everything, I still believe that cupcakes can cure whatever ails you.
The end result. They're never perfect, but they are ALWAYS made with love.
Normally a new cell phone wouldn't exactly be fodder for a blog post but
a. I don't have a whole lot going on at the moment : *(
b. It's a crazy-ass phone!
Seriously, I've had it for about six hours now and I still giggle with glee every time I look at it. The fact that I feel this way about a cell phone is kind of scary. I'm either extremely desperate to love something that loves me back (or at least trusts me and does what I ask it to) or I've turned into one of THOSE people.
I was at dinner tonight with a friend, and while waiting for the bill, I realized we were each on our own fancy touch phones, oblivious to the goings-on around us, lost in a search for answers to some question I can't even remember. I think it might have been what movies am I getting from Netflix tomorrow. Yes, it's a question that can be answered in seconds with my fancy little new toy because I all I have to do is press a little tab on the screen and *boom* my e-mail pops up and, oh, look at that, it's "The Dark Knight" arriving tomorrow from the Land of Nexflix Movies.
Pretty cool right? Yes and no actually. As I sit here still enamored by the phone that hasn't left my side, I'm already starting to regret buying it. I'm sure it'll come in handy a zillion times when I need to know the answer to a question, but what's so wrong with wondering? What did I do before I had a fancy smartphone to immediately answer every single last one of my questions? Oh right, I waited. And I'm still alive, even after all that...waiting 30 minutes until I got home to turn on the computer and log into my YahooMail account to check the status of my next arriving movie.
So while I'm excited about all the cool new gadgets my phone has to offer (I can type word documents!! For someone who carries around a notebook and paper wherever she goes in case the mood strikes to write, this is infinitely exciting), I'm worried that I'll grow too dependent on this little monster. What will happen one day if I lose it or, worse, it breaks and it's no longer around to answer all my questions and do everything I know I'll grow accustom to it doing without ever even realizing it? I'll be lost. I suppose equating it to the end of a relationship would be ironically fitting, but I'll resist the urge.
It doesn't really matter because I think you get the point. Technology is constantly improving and becoming better, faster, more capable than ever. And while we adapt to these rapid changes because we want to or because we have to makes little difference. What we have to keep in mind is the time when these things weren't around. The time when talking to a person face-to-face (or carrier pigeon letter, whichever you prefer) was the only option. Sure you can rely on a a phone, a computer, a GPS, whatever to make your life easier, but don't forget that people got along just fine without all of that.
I'm not too young (ugh) to remember a time before cell phones really existed. News travelled a little slower, but we got by. Now you pick up the phone and call someone, or start a text message conversation and think that's enough. You think that qualifies as contact, as a connection. But it doesn't. I think it's better than nothing, but it's certainly not enough.
I guess what I'm trying to say somewhere in the midst of all this random droning, is please don't forget to connect. And I don't mean at night when you plug your cell phone into the wall to charge the battery. Connect with people: your friends, your family, your love. When you pick up the phone to call or text them, make it to set plans to go for dinner, coffee, a movie, a drive...whatever. It's so easy to get lost in the ease and familiarity of technology, don't forget about life's best comfort: people.
Essentially because I have nothing better to do with my time, here's my running diary of the 2009 Golden Globes. All times are approximate.
8:03
What the hell is Jennifer Lopez wearing?I’m pretty sure she stole my grandmother’s curtains to make it. Why is she even there?OK, so her telling the audience to shut up because she was talking was kind of hilarious.As Perez would say, diva-licious!
8:05
Kate Winslet wins Best Actress in a Supporting Role for “The Reader”.I absolutely love this woman.She is gorgeous, graceful, and always chooses the most amazing roles.Since seeing her in “Titanic,” I’ve been a huge fan and I’m always genuinely happy to see her to well. Seriously, I can’t say enough nice things about her; she is the epitome of class.
8:10
Even Collin Farrell is surprised that Sting looks kind of creepy as he presents Best Original Song.Miley Cyrus just stuck her tongue out at the camera.Very mature.
8:11
It has to be The Boss.It has to be The Boss.It has…it’s The Boss.
8:14
This is it! Neil Patrick Harris could win for “How I Met Your Mother.” NHP! NHP! NPH!! (I might cry…)Aaaaand it’s Tom Wilkinson.I suppose I knew NPH didn’t really have a chance in hell but, still, it would have been a nice surprise.I don’t understand why they group comedy with miniseries/made-for-TV-movie.
8:21
Why is Jonathan at The Golden Globes?What is going on?Why is he kissing Laura Dern? Was he in “Recount”?
8:22
I just looked up Danny Strong on IMDB.He wrote the screenplay for “Recount.” I kind of want to cry because I can’t believe I did not know that.(For those of you who don’t get why I’m freaking the freak out right now, Danny Strong played the lovable nerd on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” which is only the greatest television show ever. Seriously, watch the episode called “Superstar” from season four). Wow, that is the best thing I’ve learned all day. I’m so proud!This is likely to be the highlight of the show for me.
8:34
Anna Paquin wins for “True Blood.” I really, really need to watch this show.It’s about vampires, and we all know how I feel about vampires.
8:41
“WALL-E” wins best Animated Feature.I’ve heard a lot of mixed reviews about this movie from people I know who’ve seen it, but I absolutely loved it.Maybe it’s because I watched it at a time when I desperately needed to believe in love (and if robots can find it, there’s hope for me yet), but I thought it was one of the smartest animated films I’ve seen in a long time.I’m not even going to talk about the fact that the Jonas Brothers are presenting.Or that people have taken to calling them the JoBros.
8:43
Johnny Depp, man of few words, cuts right to the point to present Best Actress in a Musical/Comedy to Sally Hawkins for “Happy Go Lucky.”I like how he doesn’t waste time with forced comedy, but he scares me a little.
8:59
No surprise here, Heath Ledger wins Best Supporting Actor for “The Dark Knight.”Chris Nolan accepts on his behalf.That will definitely go down as the most somber moment of the night.
9:05
Tom Brokaw introduces Frost/Nixon.I need to watch this movie.Actually, I would rather see the stage version when it tours since it’s not on Broadway anymore. Then again, neither is anything else.
9:06
Oh, so that’s what happened to Colin Farrell. I was starting to wonder. He just made a joke about his past drug use. That was kind of awesome.
9:11
I feel the same way about Laura Linney as I do Kate Winslet.She is a true actress.I just finished watching “Love Actually” for about the 700th time, and the scene where she asks Carl to stand in the doorway so she can hide from him and do her little freak-out happy dance is one of my favorite random movie moments for no reason. Yes, I have a list of favorite random movie moments.Perhaps I’ll share it someday.
9:19
I can’t get over how hot Seth Rogen is now.I really can’t.“Slumdog Millionaire” is one of those movies I’m really excited to see, but know I’ll have to wait for the DVD because no one I know will want to see it, and I don’t have the balls to go to movies alone.
9:22
I wish I liked “30 Rock.”Because I love Tina Fey.But I do not love “30 Rock.”
9:32
Of course, Paul Giamatti wins for “John Adams.”Honestly, I’m kind of bummed. I want “Recount” to win some more so the camera can cut to Danny Strong’s super-excited face again.I’m still reeling that he wrote the screenplay.I can’t believe I did not know that.
9:38
In case you can’t tell, I’m starting to get bored.That’s how these things usually go for me.
9:42
Hey, Pierce Brosnan, I just saw “Mamma Mia” and I have a little piece of advice for you: never sing in a movie again.Ever.Please.Seriously, I saw “Mamma Mia” on Broadway two years ago and was surprised by how much I enjoyed it.The movie version?Let’s just say I’d rather watch the movie version of “Rent” again.Twice.
9:48
Tina Fey wins for “30 Rock.” She’s still my hero.And I still don’t love “30 Rock.” Best speech of the night.
10:02
It only took 10 minutes to present Steven Spielberg with the Cecil B. Demille award. Impressive.
10:12
Oh look, a commercial for “He’s Just not That Into You.”I’m already in line waiting.
10:18
I’m getting bored. But I can’t wait to see “Revolutionary Road” when it comes out in 2 weeks.Sandy Bullock looks good, and is funny.But when was the last time she was in a movie?
10:20
And just like that, Colin Farrell is relevant again. “They must have done the counting in Florida.”He’s pretty funny.
10:22
That was actually a good acceptance speech.I’m impressed.I may have to rethink all the things I’ve said about him so fair.Wait, I just remembered “Alexander.”Never mind.
10:38
Mark Whalberg is still sexy.Say hi to the cast of “How I Met Your Mother” for me.
10:39
And Kate Winslet wins again for “Revolutionary Road.”I am genuinely excited, both for her and to see the film.Kate Winslet is my new favorite person.She totally made Leonardo DiCaprio cry.And me, too.
10:44
Sweet.“Mad Men” wins for Best Drama Series.I absolutely love this show. It smolders.That’s the only word I can think of to describe it.
10:50
Are there still awards to be handed out?I’ve seriously lost interest.Mickey Rourke just won a Golden Globe.There’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.
10:56
Thank you OREO, for picking the most unlikable, annoying spokespeople for your commercials.I actually like OREOS a little less now.
10:59
Tom Cruise is out to present the final award of the night.I feel like I’ve been sitting here for nine hours.And “Slumdog Millionaire” is going to win, so there really is no point in even pretending to be surprised.
Well, kiddies, that was fun when it wasn’t completely boring.Until next time…
I think it's safe to say that the last 7 days have been close to most difficult of my life. Granted, if a breakup is one of the worst things I've experienced, my life thus far has been less than tragic. Still, my mood these last few days has affected all of my actions, my friendships, my relationships, my health. I'm really feeling it, if that makes any sense.
In all of this, though, I have turned to the music of John Mayer. Along with my friends' and families' valiant and (mostly) appreciated attempts to lift me from the darkness I have found myself in, Mayer's music has kept me sane, for the most part.
I went out the other day and bought myself an Ipod. Oddly enough, it was supposed to a gift from my guy that was never exchanged. I thought buying it would make me feel better, or at the very least lead me to accept that this is the end. It did neither, but I have it nonetheless. Currently, the only thing on it besides the 3 episodes of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog are the studio albums of John Mayer. I have gone through each of them extensively, listening intently to each lyric, trying to extract meaning from the words to allow some comfort to seep in.
I have stuck most closely with his second album, "Heavier Things," because it is decidedly more melancholy; you will occasionally hear me say, after a trying day "I'm in the mood for heavier things." This my friends, is a year for heavier things. So far, it has worked in waves, at times offering moments of hope (the "I refuse to believe that my life's gonna be just some string of incompletes never to lead me to anything remotely close to a home life" of Home Life, the "I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give return to me" of Wheel). Other times it has hit like a sucker punch (pretty much every lyric of "Split Screen Sadness"), dragging me deeper into a state of utter hopelessness. But at least I know someone can relate.
And that's the beauty and the power of music that has made me fall so deeply in love with it over the years: the realization that someone else has been where you are. That the feelings you're feeling are not as solitary as you've been so quick to believe. This applies to me with Mayer in particular, but music in general as well. As I try to muddle through this particularly painful junction, I look to his music for understanding, acceptance, comfort, and, above all else, hope. The message in music is simple: you will be OK. In the words of John Mayer himself, "pain throws your heart to the ground, love turns the whole thing around."
At the same time, there are songs that hold such meaning to you, whether it be lyrically or because they remind you of a person, or a moment in time that's upsetting or hard to recall. For me that song is "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. One of my first memories of our time together as an official couple was a trip to NYC. It was an exhausting, rainy day and I struggled to remain awake on the car ride home. It was late, I was tired, but the song came on and I remembered how hearing it had made me think of him earlier. I took my hand in his, placed my head on his shoulder and sang the words. It became "our" song, his ringtone despite the cliche, when it came on in the car or at work I would always smile, humming aloud, all the while thinking of him. Now, the opening notes alone are like daggers in my heart. They pull me back unwillingly to the good times we shared. Much as I loved every one of them, they break my heart now because there will be no additions to them. The memories stop here. The music stops here.
But it doesn't. Just as I am expressing my emotions through my writing to alleviate some of the pain, a songwriter somewhere is working out chords to a story much like mine. Together, we will find a way to channel the pain and make it into something beautiful. And then, when the fog lifts and the happiness returns, hopefully we'll be able to write about that too.
Here are the lyrics to "Split Screen Sadness." Once you've read them, I think you'll understand what I'm talking about.
"Split Screen Sadness" from Heavier Things And I don't know where you went when you left me but Says here in the water you must be gone by now I can tell somehow One hand on the trigger of a telephone Wondering when the call comes Where you say it's alright You got your heart right
Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and Wait on the porch 'til you come back home Oh, right I can't find a flight
We share the sadness Split screen sadness
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
All you need is love is a lie cause We had love but we still said goodbye Now we're tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it's nobody's fault Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name It's only the air you took and the breath you left
Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and Wait on the porch 'til you come back home Oh, right I can't find a flight So I'll check the weather wherever you are Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight It might be my only right
We share the sadness Split screen sadness
I called Because I just Need to feel you on the line Don't hang up this time And I know it was me who called it over but I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day Don't let me get away
Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me So I can say this is the way that I used to be There's no substitute for time Or for the sadness Split screen sadness We share the sadness
As I try to distance myself from the bevy of emotions in my last post, I want to spend some time talking about the amazing people I have in my life.
I've always been a little bummed about not having a ton of friends in my life. Being super shy, quiet, and paranoid about what people think of me has often hindered my ability to establish new relationships with people. But over the years, I have managed to assemble the most amazing group of a friends any girl could ask for. I would chose keeping these people in my life over having a million friends any day of the week. These people have seen me through the darkness of lost relationships, the pain of losing my grandmother, the trials and tribulations I've faced to finish school. They've been there to celebrate the good times and every crazy ass moment in between. They are there when I need them, and even when I don't. Though my relationships with some of them have come and gone and come again in waves, I treasure every single one of them more than they could ever know. These are the people who keep me sane, who give me perspective when I've lost my way, who call me on my shit when it's necessary, and aren't afraid to let me have the truth. These are the people that laugh at my stupid jokes and make me feel like I'm lucky to be alive. I am eternally grateful to have them in my life.
This is for every single one of my friends, but especially for Coley, Christine, Dennis, Jenn, and my work crew for making every day an adventure and for being there to make me laugh, keep me sane, and be generally awesome. I love you guys!
When I first started this blog, I wasn't really sure what it would be or what it would become. As I started thinking about a career in entertainment journalism, I decided to make it pop culture- themed for two reasons: to showcase my writing abilities (or what I believe are my writing abilities, anyway) and to put to use my vast and useless obsession with all things pop culture.
However, as I got to thinking, I realized that being an entertainment journalist, though it would probably be fun, is neither a practical career nor a career I want if I really think about it. It's definitely something I'm still interested in, as well as something I will continue to write about, but it's not all that I have to offer as a writer. So, I've decided to make this blog a little more well-rounded starting today. Again, I'm still not sure what that entails other than writing about whatever I feel like, subject be damned. So here goes:
A week ago today, I got dumped. Typing it is no easier than saying it out loud, and I can already feel the tears welling in my eyes. Now I don't want to go into too much detail because I'm a fairly private person who has issues discussing her feelings (which is apparently one of the many reasons for said dumping), but I can't continue to blog about TV shows and vampires all the while pretending that nothing else is going on. And maybe this will help. I've reached a point of desperation to find something that will help.
love doesn't always come with a happy ending.
I am falling apart, despite not having had much experience in the love department. Sure I've fallen before, and certainly I've been hurt before, but nothing even comes close to this. And I know I am not the first girl with a broken heart and what I am currently experiencing is not the worst thing that could happen to a person, but it's happening to me and I need to try and make some sense of it.
My ex and I started talking online after being "introduced" by a friend over two a half years ago. I just gotten out of an unhappy relationship and was at a point in my life where I was trying to figure out exactly what the hell it was I wanted out of life. After a few weeks of innocent AIM conversation (he convinced me to read THREE Harry Potter books, no easy feat let me tell you), he called me. Our chemistry was instant and undeniable, despite my every attempt to do just that. Why would I deny the obvious connection we had? Because he lived two hours away. After a summer of late night phone calls that lasted until the early morning hours and several visits to each other, my belief was cemented: there was something going on between us. By the summer's end, I couldn't deny it anymore. There was something about this boy I could not resist. The way he made me laugh, the comfortability with which I could talk to him; we began dating in September of 2006.
Of course, the distance between us was always problematic. We were both working and in school, so seeing each other required careful, advanced planning. We spoke almost every night on the phone, with him occasionally having to reassure my fears that the distance between us was too much to handle. It was something I struggled with a lot during our first year together: we couldn't make spontaneous plans, or attend each other's family functions the way a regular couple did. But when we did spend time together, it was amazing. Sure, we fought, we had problems, but we were in love. I was in love. He became my other half despite the 100 miles between us. I depended on him for everything, I gave him my heart. I was always aware that I wasn't an easy person to love: I'm guarded, stubborn as hell, and at times a downright pain in the ass. He took down so many of the walls I had worked so hard to put up to protect myself from pain and, in turn, I gave him my heart. We were Lily and Marshall, finishing each other's sentences, making inappropriate jokes and high-fiving each other. I made the waffles, he made me laugh, always. I got him to watch every awesome TV show I loved (The Office, Lost, Buffy, Angel...I'm always right when it comes to good TV); he got me to read Harry Potter and appreciate the funny that is Family Guy. We managed to fit, despite him being more than a foot taller than me. He was what had been missing from my life: true love.
After our two year anniversary in September, I entered my last semester of college. It was a stressful and trying time for me, and we didn't get to see each other as much as we were used to. After a tumultous relationship with college, I wanted nothing more than for it to be over so that I could do something with my life and my relationship. That's the funny thing; being with him made me want to be better, both for myself and for our future which I foolishly saw so clearly. It was sometimes hard to imagine that a time would come where that would actually be possible, but I remained hopeful, as I was finally coming to end of my school journey so that we might be able to start a new journey together. And then I got dumped.
ouchy, love hurts.
Despite five phone calls and somewhere close to 8 hours of talking and crying and begging him not to give up when things finally have the potential to get better (I'm done with school, no longer bound to living here; he's starting a new job search, no longer bound to his job), he still gave up. I can't blame him for his honesty or his feelings, because I would never want anyone to be in a relationship where they were unhappy. I've done it in the past, and it's not pleasant. At the same time, I can't help but feel like this came out of nowhere; it's like I'm suffering from break-up whiplash.
Not to mention the damned saddness. I thought I was sad before, not being able to see him whenever I wanted or kiss him whenever I wanted. This kills in comparison. It's funny because before, I sometimes couldn't feel my heart beat. I'd be sitting around randomly, and put my heart to my chest trying to find a rhythm. It was there, obviously, because I'm not a vampire (at least I don't think I am...hmm...), but I guess I just couldn't properly locate it. Now, I'm aware of my heart every waking moment because it physically hurts. Even if for a second I let every ounce of the last two years slip away in an attempt to lose myself in something else, I still feel it. This emptiness that everyone keeps telling me will get better with each passing day (it hasn't), this constant replaying of every single moment of our relationship, wondering what I could have done to make things different. I thought this was it. I thought he was The One. And everyone keeps telling me that everything happens for a reason, and that there's someone out there who will appreciate my waffles and cupcakes and stupid jokes and my love, but it's not helping.
take it, please don't break it.
I know it's only been a week, and I've been told more times than I can count that time heals all wounds. But I can't help but feel like this is not going to get better. I got more than five hours of sleep last night for the first time since it happened, and I woke up this morning thinking that today would be THE day: a new day. New year, fresh start, as a wise woman has been telling me. And then I never got out of bed. I can't eat (self-admittedly bordering on unhealthy rapid weight loss), I don't want to get drunk, I can barely get myself out of the house. And every time I think I'm OK, that I'm starting to surface, I slip back under. And it really sucks.
The bottom line is I don't know how to function without him. Eventually I'll learn how to: what choice to I have? Staying in this depression, wallowing in the what if, it won't change his mind. But it's frustrating not being able to fully understand what went wrong and how I could have been so blind as to not notice and how he wouldn't be willing to even try to fix it after everything we'd been through, especially when I was ready to whatever it takes. Too little, too late I suppose. I'm so mad, more at myself than at him for some infuriating reason. We'll never know what we could have had and that's the most heartbreaking part of it all. But as I look back on it all, the parts of us that still make me laugh before they make me cry, the parts that we struggled with that I'll never know if we could have repaired, I have to convince myself that everything happens for a reason. I can't hate him, much as I've tried. I do think that somewhere down the road, he's going to realize he's made a mistake, but much as I would love for that to happen right now, I cannot sit around and wait. I have to somehow figure out how to pull myself out of this and come out OK on the other end. I have to learn to believe that I am worthy of love and that someone will someday show me the same love I give. Someday I will understand why this is happening. There is a lesson here somewhere, and I will uncover it in time.
Yeah, I'm still not sure I believe any of that, but I am sure trying. If it doesn't kill me, it'll make me stronger.
