*blogger's note: Going through some old favorites, I came across a short-lived blog I started and stopped 2 years ago. This entry was written on August 9, 2007. Though some circumstances have since changed, I still think it rings eerily true in many respects. *
The Past
Reflecting on the past isn‘t always easy, but it is certainly necessary. Although there are plenty of moments in life that you think you’re better off forgetting, it might help to better understand them. Time and perspective often aid in making sense of moments in time, emotional places, and past experiences in general. Of course, in doing so you inevitably come across a tricky word: regret. I have mixed emotions about this word because, like everyone else, I have regrets. I'd be lying if I said if I could go back in time, I wouldn't change anything about my life, my actions, or their outcomes. At the same time, I feel strongly that those actions led me to where I am today and I'm not a big believer in destiny. I'm not sure there's some book written in the stars that has my life planned out and I'm just the main character, willed by the pen of some unknown God. But I do believe that everything in life happens for a reason and that the choices you make of your own free will lead you in one direction or another. What you learn from the life of your past is up to you.
The actions of my "youth" were severely misguided, and it was mostly my own fault. That’s not to say I was a bad kid: I stayed in school, never partied, never gave my parents more trouble than I was worth, in my opinion anyway. I just did everything later than most kids my age: from driving to getting a job to dating. I sheltered myself from the experiences of skate parties and sleepovers, unknowingly stunting my own growth. Looking back, I wish I had gathered more experience early on so that maybe things would have been different. But I can't-- I won't-- spend my life now fretting over "what ifs." I'd like to think I did the best I could with what I knew at the time and there's nothing I can say or do that can change any of it now: it's part of my history. It's been written and recorded, there are no words or monumental revelations that can alter any of its outcomes. Yes I have regrets, yes I wish some memories would bury themselves in the darkest corners of my mind never to be remembered again; but that's impossible. All those moments, from the silly little ones to the ones of epic nature have lead me to...
The Present.
I'd like to think I currently have a pretty good hold on my life. While it's far from perfect, I've found a balance my past sometimes lacked. Most of that is of my own doing and I have no problem giving myself credit for it. While I now surround myself with understanding and inspiring people, when it came down to it, only I could make the changes necessary to get me where I am today. When I first became an ‘adult’, I spent a lot of time defining myself by the terms of others. What angers me the most about this is realizing that I let it go on for so long, struggling each day with the identity I knew I owned but couldn't claim and the one I left others to place upon me and fulfilled gladly because it wasn‘t as much work.
And then there came a moment, more than a year ago, that I simply couldn't do it anymore. I was barreling full-steam ahead to a repressive, unhappy life where every day was the same and nothing would ever change that because I refused to anything about it. It took me a LONG time to realize that I am my own worst enemy. I think--no, I know-- that I hurt a few people when I finally decided to define myself by my own terms and my own dreams. I’m not really proud of that but it was a choice I had to make. I could either sacrifice my own happiness or someone else’s; selfishly and rightly I chose someone else‘s. I shed my skin in 2006 and it was one of the most gratifying and clarifying periods of my life. For the first time in a long time I looked at my life, really LOOKED at it and decided where I wanted it to go. It happened to coincide with where a lot of people hoped it would: out of a dead-end relationship, back to college in hopes for a better life. What became so satisfying to me was that I didn't do it for them, I did it for ME. I've reconciled the past with myself, and, though it may still hang in the balance with others, I try not carry it with me in the present because I've worked too hard on myself to move forward with the shadow of my mistakes hanging overhead. I have my good days and bad, like anyone else, but I am happy. And that's all I can hope to carry with me to...
The Future.
If I were psychic I could tell you what the future holds for me. But I'm not, otherwise I'm pretty sure I'd be a millionaire by now. Or at least have my own psychic hotline number. I may not know what the future will bring, but I can finally envision what I would like it to include. There's no longer a dark, billowy fog where my future stands. I don’t have all the answers, but I can see far enough ahead to hope that it'll include working somehow with words and sentences, which I craft with real joy. I would love to maybe help bring that joy to others, but who knows? I only know that I understand words and the importance of reading. It seems so silly and simple, but so much can be learned from the pages of a good book. It saddens me that in today’s world, good literature is a dying art; I’d love to help prevent that.
As far as the rest of my life is concerned I think I've stumbled onto the dream of domesticity. Along with a successful career doing a blank to be filled in later, I'd like to have all the trimmings of a home life: a home (not a house), a husband, a family. At one time in my life I scoffed at the idea. While other girls were drawing pictures of their future wedding dresses, I was dreaming of traveling the world in search of the next big story, with no familial ties to hold me back. The idea of settling down never appealed to me as a young girl. Damn convention and my supposed purpose in this world as a woman: I wasn't going to let what I was "supposed to do " confine me. There I was again, defining myself by defiance without stopping to consider what I actually wanted. Today, a home life is all I see, it's what I crave. It's not something I'm looking to do at this very second, but I certainly hope its in my near to mid-distant future. I've found someone who I love with everything I am and have ever been: it feels like desire not to repeat the mistakes of my past led me to him. This person has all the makings of a bright and limitless future and I would be honored to be a part of it. Sometimes I question the how and why, but somehow we just fit. Still, I can't know what tomorrow will bring. I can only live every day one day at a time, with the hope that I'm working toward something more, better and bigger than what I have now, but understand that it’s going to take time, energy, and a lot of hard work to get there.
One thing I've learned about these stages of life and time is that they are all connected. You can‘t live in the present without connecting moments to your past that helped you get there. You can’t look to your future without carefully examining the present in hopes of making the right decisions. All of these things are deeply rooted together and bind your life in a way that’s both undeniable and inescapable. Sometimes these moments will tangle you up and keep you from progressing, but they cannot be ignored or discarded. Every moment of my life thus far has meant something. I'm sure I've yet to fully understand the bulk of them, but I have faith that in time, I will. I can't think of the present without gathering experiences from my past to help determine a safe bet for the future. They intertwine and overlap in surprising ways sometimes but they are all there for a reason. Take back nothing of your life, no matter how painful or embarrassing. I believe that I have been made stronger by all of my experiences: the faults of my past, the serenity of my present, and the endless possibility of my future.
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